49

Guess I’ll start this back up. I will continue to write as if someone is actually reading – though I suppose this is more just for journal’s sake… A lot has happened since I last posted. Mainly, I’ve moved to Missouri. MISSOURA. MISERY. Bad joke. Really too much has happened to attempt a decent recap, but I went from literally the happiest I’ve ever been, to one of the harder and sadder times of my life. Moving to a new state is rough, especially this one. The winter was long and really freaking cold. I gained 37 pounds in 8 months. Guh, whatever, I really don’t even want to think about everything. I do, however, want to get my attitude in order. Spring is making me think more positively – for now anyway. I just realized I have too many thoughts to even write about anything. The main reason I came back to post anything is because today specifically, I am realizing that I am in control of how I react to my surroundings. I need to gain control, and I am capable of doing so. I am in a rut. I put myself here. I can get myself out. 

48

I haven’t written for awhile- though,I haven’t done anything for awhile. This year has gone by so fast and I feel like while I’ve experienced so much, I’ve accomplished nothing.

The sad thing is I think I am starting to believe that I can’t accomplish anything.

I have never accomplished anything that could ever be called noteworthy. I never did anything extracurricular growing up. I dropped out of high school. I’m still not done with College, and have no idea what I’m majoring in. I’ve never been promoted…you get the point, I feel like a loser.

Pretty much all that I’ve accomplished this year was to gain weight. Awesome.

But I’m stuck here. I feel terrified to move (I speak figuratively of course), I feel like it’s pointless to try anything because I will just get tired of it and fail. I need to go somewhere, I need something different and new. The only thing is, I know I’ve tricked  myself with that logic before. That if I go somewhere and start over, things will be better; and things are better for awhile. But only for awhile.

Something is missing…

47

I’m a psych major. Psych majors like to have things figured out. We like to have answers as to why people do what they do. In that matter, any school within a school likes to have something figured out. Everyone wants to have an answer. Everyone want’s to say they know something.

One thing that I admire about (one of my heroes) Albert Einstein, is that with all the knowledge he had, he admitted he “knew” nothing.  He knew that even with with all that he had figured out here, that it could be complete bullshit.

Sometimes I think that’s where the real knowledge is; knowing that we know nothing. Learning that nothing can be taken at face value…including depth. We can all perceive, believe, and evaluate as much as we want, but that makes nothing real. That makes nothing smart. That makes nothing true. The true reality is that which we don’t know. The true reality is beyond fathomable.

I think, that when we realize our lack of knowledge, then we begin to live and grow. Then we become human.

46

I think the one thing that terrifies me more than anything else is expectation.

If I have an expectation to meet, I am terrified that I will fail and not meet it. I don’t like when I have expectations set for me, and I don’t set expectations for myself, because that way I know there is no possible chance of me failing to meet one.  Plus, then I don’t have to worry about feeling too proud of myself when I meet an expectation. If I don’t set or meet any expectations, the way I live life can be perfectly neutral. Stress free.

Stress free? Well there’s gotta be a catch. I just found it. IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. I can’t live free of expectations because my life, my body, and my mind will all go waste. So if I have to live up to an expectation, that means I have to have stress. People deal with that everyday. The only thing is, other people can cope with that common stress- I can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m sick of being a fuck up. I don’t want to try anymore, and I especially don’t want to NOT try anymore. I’m sad, and confused, and frustrated. I feel like a useless blob. I failed.

45

The pendulum swing. That almost endearing social symbol of the extreme. Is anyone ever in the neutral? Yes. But is that neutral respected? Not really. People swing back and forth from one extreme to the other. The people that live in the neutral are not respected. Those in the neutral are the flimsy, flip-flopping ones. I see neutrality as wisdom. Gloating from one side or the other is worth nothing compared to claiming you know nothing. I know nothing, and that is my worth.

44

I really need to start taking my own advice.

EXPECT NOTHING FROM PEOPLE. Anything they decide to give you is a blessing. Take it, and be grateful.

Not only can you expect nothing, but you have to live your life as a gift.

You can not attach any strings to the nice things you do for people, and you can never decide to stop giving. You have to give everything you have to offer. You have to keep trying to make people’s lives better. You have to give until you have nothing left and expect nothing in return.

And when something finally does come back to you, karma is fulfilled, and you get that tiny little boost you needed to keep you going and giving.

43

I sometimes feel trapped in my own mind, and there’s nothing worse than that in my opinion.

In order to be happy and have harmony with our surroundings and those around us, there has to be some degree of like mindedness. For some people, this comes through surrounding oneself with people who share the same beliefs. For others it comes through recognizing the fact that we are all just people, in it together as the same breed. However, there has always been another level of these connective factors that transcends one’s surroundings- The mind. And for those that let the mind take the lead, harmony comes with others that share the same focus. To have no mind or a mind that is not functioning can often lead to the absence of harmony.

Although the mind is responsible for allowing us to be at harmony with our surroundings, it is also the very thing that is supposed to take us out of our surroundings. I once had the mind explained as a separate entity of the brain. The brain is in charge of chemical and physical reactions and interactions, while the mind is responsible for those conceptual thoughts and feelings that don’t really come to every person the same way or at the same time. The mind is almost a  link from surroundings to something beyond the physical.

I feel trapped in my own mind.

I feel that I can no longer grasp new concepts or even search for new metaphysical purposes or meanings. I feel like my mind is dying. If the mind is the soul of a brain, I feel like I’m losing it. With no mind, I am forced to be a slave of my surroundings.

And when you’re brain doesn’t work right, your surroundings just might be distorted.

My brain does not work right. My surroundings are distorted. My mind has become stagnant. I’m supposed to be okay; but I am trapped, and I have no clue how to escape.

42

You all should thank me. Right now. Why? Because I am now giving you the chance to opt out of reading a blog about how much I love my boyfriend, Jimmy Dolan.

To opt out now, press “1” or simply navigate away from this page by entering a new web address in your web brower’s address bar, or by selecting a quick link to a favorited website. Either will suffice.

However, if you would like to read about the guy that has managed to change my life…read on 🙂

Jimmy Dolan. James Jerome Dolan III. JDT. Jimmy D. Jim Dol. Jimbo. Jimmy Bimmy; the man has many names, and I met him a year and 2 months ago in London, UK. It was far from romantic, and alcohol was involved…but something cosmic must have happened, because 14 months, thousands of miles, and shitloads of struggles later…I have never been more madly in love with another person.

I just have to note, (as many of you know…) I was single for 3 years before I met Jimmy. And in that time, I really did start to think about becoming a lesbian. It seemed easier to me. I am just so glad my consuming hate for the male gender didn’t succeed as I’d wanted it to…mainly because of Jimmy Dolan.

I just have to say thank you. Thank you to the people who listen to me talk about him incessantly and don’t tell me to shut up. I have to say thank you to everyone that knows our story and realizes that they will never understand all the ins and outs (heehee). I have to say thank you to those of you that have coddled my inner 5-year-old girl that comes out everytime I talk about him. I promise you will be rewarded generously.**

And to JDT…

Thank you.

Thank you for more than I can say.

Thank you for helping me be okay. Thank you for listening to me no matter how dumb I sound. Thank you for talking to me when talking was the last thing you wanted to do. Thank you for giving us a chance. Thank you for loving me no matter how much I pushed you away. Thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for trying to convince me every single day, that I am beautiful inside and out. I love you.

P.S. (does anyone know what that stands for?)

If you read this…good. I promise that I will try to cut out the mushy stuff as much on facebook. Promise. Sort of. Okay. Maybe not at all. In Fact, screw you. No. I retract that. That was harsh. I think I’m PMS’ing.

**Just leave your address in the comments, and I will send a DVD of “That’s so Raven: Raven’s House Party” along with a fine mix of domestic and imported cheeses.***

***Award subject to change. Especially depending on whether or not I even like you. Also, the cheeses in the picture are an example only, and may not include any of the shredded varieties.

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My New Obsession!! Baby Turtles!

40

Hate doesn’t matter. Neither does love. We all feel those emotions at one point in time.

What matters is indifference–when you stop feeling.

How do you know if you’re indifferent? Nothing bothers you. It doesn’t bother you that the people in your life don’t love you. It doesn’t matter that you can’t think of a reason to hate the man that murdered your daughter. It doesn’t matter if you look into the eyes of the person you love and say “I love you” yet you know it means nothing. These things are the real crime, the real definition of evil. The lack of emotion.

It’s better to feel pain and hurt, than to feel nothing at all. Because when you feel nothing you aren’t quite human. This doesn’t mean that humans are equated by emotion, but it does mean that emotion is an essential part to our being.

It means running your emotions but not letting them run you.